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Monday, October 16, 2017

Just NO, Netflix: Avalanche Sharks (2013)

Just NO, Netflix: Avalanche Sharks (2013): SPOILERS! As I stand here, ready to die? D: Scott Wheeler w: Keith Shaw Starring: Alexander Mendeluk as Wade Kate Nauta as D...

Avalanche Sharks (2013)

SPOILERS!


As I stand here, ready to die?




D: Scott Wheeler
w: Keith Shaw

Starring:
Alexander Mendeluk as Wade
Kate Nauta as Diana
Richard Gleason as Sherrif

Story: Avalanche Sharks tells the story of a bikini contest at a ski resort that has money issues but turns into a horrifying affair when shit hits the fan as Avalanche Sharks attack!

Fun Facts: Brooke Hogan was due to be in this but schedule conflits prevented that

A Loose/Indirect sequel to Sand Sharks.


play a rip off of Jaws Theme


We open at...look you know what this is mostly so really just picture anywhere with ski slopes and lots of snow. Dude in a truck with the Red Cross symbol on it but he is not super important yet, first we go over to some snow boarders who ignore warning tape. I don't know if "EXTREME SNOWBOARDERS" do that a lot, I know they will tackle off the track areas or ones that are too hard for them yet but to ignore yellow police/caution tape seems even more stupid than normal for a horror flick. Then again, one of the snow boarders says that caution tape gives him a hard on...So there is that. *Sigh* This is going to be a long one (no pun intended.)

Red Cross dude starts firing dynamite or some sort of explosive and this "shocks and surprises" the snow boarders so they go off path to knock over some trees or markers and this brings forth some mystical glowing fins that belong to snow sharks that then eat the snow boarders??? I am already dreading this.
My Boyfriend finally said he loves me....sigh...


We get to met some of the people, "college" aged girls driving with her best friend and we get some "clever" back and forth on their trip to some ski lodge. Then we cut to a blonde and her military boyfriend in their bedroom and I think they make some jokes about age, I think. They were not funny so maybe they were just people talking, but what do I know, trying to think like the people who wrote this makes my brain hurt. The military guy is related to at least one of the snowboarders or something...who really really cares.
Thank you for getting me out of this movie.

Meanwhile our road trip group are told they can not stop for a pee break, so the "nerdy" girl who is driving has a story about alien demons and intelligent sharks??? Amazing how that will all tie in..who knew that this random out of nowhere story would tie in to the whole movie??!!! *Sigh*  We cut back to  the ski lodge where people are snowboarding and skiing and for some reason the woman are wearing bikinis in the snow? They are asked to cover up by the sheriff but they ignore him.

So the weird old timer, I don't know his name but you know him from every low budget horror movie, is coming into town to complain or buy supplies or something but sees a shark fin and says they are back. At this point we suddenly cut to night and get to watch clean up and snow plows pack the snow and all that fun stuff, you know the real reason you are watching this movie.  We see some random guest, a moon, wolves howling...none of it meaning anything.

SURPRISE!!!!

Skookum, the word, is dropped and it will come into play later. The sheriff knows the word and the crazy old dude from earlier says the Skookum is back and blood will flow but he runs into the sharks. Death Follows. We met a couple who are having some issues, riveting stuff, the guy has an epiphany for some reason about love, he loses his girlfriend and realizes that he didn't have real love and that love will stop the sharks...can you guess what happened? Yea...Snow Sharks don't care about love. 

The fins can turn transparent and the sharks can seem to vanish only to crash out of ice or snow and eat you, the sheriff wants to do something but the owner of the resort and the mayor of the town need the money and tourists, the Jaws Syndrome. So they retire the sheriff and give the job to the ski patrol guy. He plays ball of course, but things really kick up as the ski patrol guy finally sees the sharks but before he can do anything an avalanche happens and just about everyone dies between the sharks and the avalanche. After all is said and done we have three survivors and the totems that were knocked over to allow the sharks out is fixed but then one is knocked slightly off freeing them again...OH NO!


I Need an agent!


Biting Thoughts: Where to start on this? Semi ghost sharks that survive in ice and snow, due to an alien demon...not just an alien or just a demon but an ALIEN DEMON?  Why the hell would an alien demon care about earth or choose Snow Sharks that can be beaten by having pieces of wood up? No wonder this stupid alien demon never got popular, what a piss poor idea.

Even for a low budget film you don't care about anyone, even the ones they try to have you care about, the storyline of the missing snowboarders that freed the sharks to start with is super important until about halfway through then nothing. I picked on the Love conquers All guy but I will admit that was at least different, stupid as hell, but different and it was fun to see a person in one of these act different and be crushed he lost his girlfriend and not react in one of the two typical ways.


No one really figures out how to stop the sharks, It really happens more by luck and then bad luck again. They point out that people know about them, hell 2 people have notes and drawings about the time they attacked PREVIOUS to this. So it is not even one of the "Old legends that have been passed down" but instead people in their late 20's and early 30's remember when the sharks attacked last time, yet again no one thinks to check a newspaper or the internet to see if their was a series of deaths? Really? No one? Okay. How you defeat the sharks is stupid and really why the people who "banished" them the first time thought a few sticks in the snow would hold up? What if the snow melts some, or an avalanche happens. All it takes is the sticks moving a tiny bit that allows the sharks to be free again.


Jaws this is not, hell even Deep Blue Sea has one over on this. Best to avoid it, as there are better bad shark movies out there, Sharknado comes to mind.

  









Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Just NO, Netflix: #Horror (2015)

Just NO, Netflix: #Horror (2015): SPOILERS!!!!!! Hello! It's 2017 and the world is going to hell so I need to blow off steam. I decided to restart my old blo...

#Horror (2015)

SPOILERS!!!!!!




Hello! It's 2017 and the world is going to hell so I need to blow off steam. I decided to restart my old blogs. The best way for me to focus oftentimes is to find something worthy of being picked on or attacked, and what better item than a bad movie? I am going to stick with movies on Netflix for now, hence the title of the blog.

So for my first foray into this I randomly chose a flick called #Horror from 2015. #Horror was directed by Tara Subkoff who has acted and was a producer on several other films but as of 2017 this is her only director credit and she is listed as a writer as well.  There are a few big names in the movie, Chole Sevigny, Timothy Hutton, Natasha Lyonne, Taryn Manning and with some of them I used big names loosely as the movie focuses on the YOUNGER "talent."
Sam and her Mom from American Pie!


So what is this film about? I think it was supposed to be a movie about the horrors of bullying and the use of social media to cyberbully but instead it comes off as a long boring tv ad about bullying. The biggest hurdle is you don't care about the girls at all, not enough to see them live or die, you don't feel for any of them really, when they start or mention a plot point that may make you care they end it or never flesh it out to make them seem real.

I also never realized how VERY LITTLE I care about what 12 year old mostly rich white girls do when they get together. It was so boring and nothing happens to make you care. There are a ton of subplots that go NOWHERE and most of the death is all rushed at the end, like they thought "Crap we made a horror movie and talked about death and slashing but we killed like one person, quickly kill off 4 more in the next 10 minutes, doesn't matter who expect for Sam or Cat."

We open learning about a guy cheating on his wife with some woman...you see him killed while photos or video is taken on a phone. Later you see video of the woman running and crying and then dead but that is WAY later and while her name is given I never figured out who she was or how she was connected to the story or people. The wife of the dead cheating dude is the mother of Sophia the "leader" of the group of 12 year old girls that are the focus. They live in a HUGE house that is filled with all sorts of weird and creepy art, like gold tires stacked on top of each other with leaves inside, a full plaster or marble statue of a young naked girl, a ton of creepy life like masks and this really weird what looks like Monroe head and hair with a cut open egg as her face, the yellow yolk pulses like a heart beat. 


After the first death we get an opening credits scene that moves WAY too fast and throws way too much crap at you. I got a headache just trying to watch it, with the background being candy crush like stuff and emojis and the names are up for a second then vanish and this keeps going...It was awful so you will not have a clue who is in the movie.

We meet Sam, without knowing her name or who she is or her point in the story, standing in front of a mirror saying it is not real. Great, then maybe I can pretend I never really saw this movie. We then meet the lady from earlier whose husband was cheating on her and learn she is the mom to Sophia and she and her friend talk, she has an assistant named Mandy who seems to be scared to do or say anything around her. Never explained why and the mom and friend wonder if she is retarded and the mom says she never trusted her. We never see or mention her again, I have NO idea what happened to her or why she was brought in, where was she during all the chaos? Maybe she got smart and left the movie.

We meet Cat and her dad, Dr. White and there is something going on with that family and her missing school and he keeps her on prozac or xantax or something. She hates him and he is a bit of a jerk and losing his cool. He drops her off at Sophia's where we have already met the other "mean girls" who we and Sam (the new girl) overheard talking about Sam. Finally together they do what I guess girls do nowadays?

We get to watch and witness all that 12 year old girls would do if they had the money. It was a lot like watching a pre-teen Youtube series or a lame Vine. You could get the same enjoyment from following your friend's child on Instagram. If I didn't know better I would feel this was just a spot for Youtube Red. This is what Kids or Thirteen would be if they had no direction and didn't know what their message was or who they were trying to reach.

They dress up, take a SHIT ton of pictures, hashtag EVERYTHING, using #word and #word# and more crap. Photos and videos and all having a good time, the mom comes in and unlocks the jewelry case really unleashing the fun! #BORING. There is some story about a crazy artist that used to live in this house, who may have murdered 6 people before he vanished in 1968 and is listed as a missing person. I bring this up because IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING AT ALL!!!!  It is all just POINTLESS and stupid because of that. At best you find yourself wondering about the stories they don't follow up on and at worst you just want it all to be over.

As "friends" go these kids are fucking awful. They attack and belittle each other for a half hour than are friends for like 5 seconds then more attacks. I miss the kids from IT or even Stranger Things. My friends and I traded insults or "your mama" jokes but the stuff these kids say didn't come out of the mouths of my bullies in junior high. They are just one note awful people.

So here is what we learn about the girls. Sam is new and the only not rich one, she has some issue with water or pools, but no idea why. Sophia is the leader and lives in the house it is set in and is a cutter. Cat lost her mother and was bullied by her friends and now hates her dad. Georgie is larger then the others, overweight, and eats to be happy. That is the extent of their "Personal notes". You never care about these people and half the stuff you learn is through one scene with no real reasons why...Georgie overeats and sometimes vomits but it never says why she feels so unhappy that she has to eat, Sophia cuts herself but it is only ONCE and on the stomach and they never say why she does it, some backstory to these kids would have helped a lot. The movie might have still sucked but if I had one person I gave a shit about I would have cared more.

They kick Cat out, well Sophia does after she goes too far with the bullying, telling Georgie she is way fat and should kill herself. Sophia says that is too far, there is one more girl but she is SO unimportant I don't remember her name and she has no backstory. Cat calls her dad while out in the snow and he is losing it, she gets a ton of messages from her "friends" saying awful things and she texts one thing on Social Media about Georgie and they decide to lock up their phones and focus on each other and having fun. 
Is this what kids do now?

They drink Vodka and dance and go crazy, they seem to be having fun until Cat's dad shows up and goes FUCKING NUTS on some 12 year olds. He belittles them, tells Georgie that Cat was not wrong and she should kill herself and pulls a knife on them all. Then leaves and goes to talk to Sophia's mom and they have a crazy people back and forth and we get back to the opening shot of Sam in front of a mirror. Some phones are found, with the video of people dying. Sophia finds her dead dad, Sam takes a swim and is almost drowned by someone.

Georgie gets her throat slit, then the girl who I don't have a name for is killed in a long pointless scene.  Throughout all this we see a gloved hand filming certain moments and then Cat's dad shows up again scaring Sophia in the woods as she runs away and meets with Sam inside. THEN IN A SHOCKING TWIST, that is in NO WAY shocking the killer is Cat! Her dad says he had been watching but thought she would not harm anyone but never stopped her. But then Sophia shoots Cat's dad in front of her and she loses her cool even more.

Sam and Cat have a final showdown just as Sophia's mom pulls up to see it go down, and we get the resolution but by this time you just don't care. That is yet another let down, if you can't make me care about the kids being killed then at least have an interesting killer. We get some crap about mom being dead and some major bulling that happened but it is like we missed part one of this movie or a whole section that gives some story. It would be like Nightmare on Elm Street if you cut out what the parents did and just had Freddy running around killing teens but HINTED the parents may have perhaps done or known something but then dropping that forever with no closure. 

If Cat was bullied worse than what they do to each other in this movie then I can understand it better but they only slightly hint at how bad it got and she never leaves or quits this group of friends, in fact she invites a NEW girl in knowing what is in store for her.

This movie is awful and I get it was supposed to be social commentary about cyberbulling and being bullies but it gets lost in all the extra stuff that goes nowhere and is never explained. You never get to really know or care about the people or even why Cat went crazy except her mom died and there was some bullying. They hint it was super mega awful bad but nothing about what it was but Cat still hangs with them for some reason.


This movie misses its own message and you are just bored or wondering about one of the story lines they DID NOT follow up on and wondering why they were brought up at all?  

Skip this boring piece of crap unless you are really curious about weird art or what rich 12 year olds do in their free time.....


YOU DIDN"T EVEN REMEMBER MY NAME!!!!






Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Wrecker 2015

SPOILERS!



Quick Overview:
Director: Micheal Bafaro
Writers: Micheal Bafaro, Evan Taylor
Main Stars: Anna Hutchison as Emily
Andrea Whitburn as Leslie



Listed as a remake of Stephen King's Duel
Also known as Juggernaut.
Overview: Best friends Emily and Lesley go go on a road trip in the desert and take a short cut and become a target of a relentless and psychotic trucker.

We are the ones you won't care about.


So we open with what seems to be a long married couple, your average slightly overweight, white, and blandly dressed. The couple's car is broken, overheated best we can tell and the out of the way desert area they are in has no Cell service of course.

You see the couple talk about the issue and how the gas station attendant says this stretch of road is called Devils Pass...Sigh...this is going to be a long one. Then suddenly we cut to a sports car and two college aged ladies, I think?

We get scene after scene of them driving...have you seen the opening of Manos: Hands of Fate or a Bert I Gordon movie, this just keeps going, we see the girls a few times and then a sudden young hitchhiker who Emily, the driver, won't stop to pick him up but Leslie wants too so they don't. Leslie takes a call from a friend or sex buddy and gets confused after the phone call cuts off and can't remember which way down a fork in the road they are supposed to go and they choose Devils Pass...of course.

Heading down the pass, they catch up to a old trucker/wrecker that is hauling the couple's car from earlier but no sign of the couple and since the women are in a sports car they soon choose to head around the trucker, only taking some time as it is a road that has one lane, to pass you get in the other lane.  They pass, no issues and you see from inside the truckers cab that he has a pentagram and an upside down cross because WHY WOULDN'T HE! He seems so evil so far!!!
About half the movie is just this...

Just as the car hits E, They find a gas station, PERFECT TIMING!  They pull in and no long after so does the trucker. We learn that Emily is having some boyfriend cheating issues and not much else, they fuel up and the attendant tells them they are a quart low on oil but they choose to wait to top it off as they are ready to get back on the road and do so. We never see what the trucker does but he does leave the cab and we see his boots only.

While traveling along and in a sort of road daze, the trucker catches up with them and scares them by honking and speeding past them then not long after slows down and signs for them to pass, when they finally do they are pissed and Leslie throws a beer bottle at the truck and flicks him off before they race off, but the truck keeps catching up which is one of the major issues with this movie, the girls are in a mustang and he is a wrecker towing a car.

He gets ahead of them again, this time the road is two lanes but the trucker won't let them around, so they take a small dirt road that allows them to pass the trucker but barely and while racing to stay ahead of him they almost hit several kids playing soccer near a few homes and that freaks them out so they head to a diner to calm down.

The cell phones don't work, the phone is broken, no soap in the restroom and the first fork is missing a point and another is broken. The see the Truck outside meaning someone else in the diner is the man or woman I guess tracking them.  Emily looks around at the boots and narrows it down to two, one of them leaves in a different car so the woman confront the one left and it is the one semi tense moment in the whole thing but all three people are asked to leave. 

The guy they accused heads out and to the TRUCK but goes into a pickup that is hidden by the wrecker, then we see the TRUCK start up so we never do meet the man and the girls race after him, finally getting in their car and heading off down the road...this keeps going back and forth. Then the girls find the car from the couple just hanging out in the middle of the road, a good guy comes along and helps them move it but the TRUCK returns and helps push the car out of the way tricking the good guy.

I will be your villain this evening


The women race off leaving the good guy to his fate at the hands of The TRUCK, he doesn't understand and starts to head back to his pick up truck. The mustang gets a flat and while the women try to fix it the TRUCK roars by but doesn't stop. Then when he is gone they keep working on the tire but see The TRUCK turns around and waits at the top of the hill. The women run into the field but Emily trips and hits her head on a rock, when she comes too she finds Leslie gone and her tired changed.

The TRUCK toys with her some more as she wants her friend back, then a weird dream thing, then a cop pulls her over and she tries to tell him what happens but all he wants is her to calm down and show her papers. Just as she finds them, The TRUCK takes care of the cop, towing away his car but again leaving Emily alone. She finds another gas station right when E happens again and uses the gun she took from the cop to get gas and use the phone.

Sadly The TRUCK shows up to destroy the phone booth and puts her on the run again, then SHOCK, the oil issue from earlier crops up and her engine starts to overheat and after some poor editing and cutting we get a show down between The TRUCK and the Mustang, which she is able to race all over at high speeds with NO OIL and no issues past the first one. Somehow she wins chicken and The Truck ends up with the whole front end hanging off a cliff and while Emily is ranting at him she hears a phone and finally finds Leslie in the trunk...

I have a Denim jacket and a gun, now I am a badass.


They have the final showdown, which I won't ruin but you can guess and she wins to drive off, again with no oil or overheat issues...

The CODA is a woman, who looks ALOT like Leslie pulls into a junk yard or something similar and gets out of her car and while looking for someone she passes the red car from the first couple, the falsely accused dude from diner's truck, and the good guy's truck before we see the grill of THE TRUCK...shock...??? eh

YOU WATCHED THE WHOLE THING!


Final Thoughts: You know what the biggest issue with this was, same as  Duel, it is boring. Not bad enough to be fun or entertaining but nothing new to keep you watching. It is a cross between Joyride and The Hitcher but WORSE then either. You don't really care about anyone who dies nor the two main people which really hurts a horror or thriller, The Hitcher works as you feel like the guys are real and the one being terrorized feels like an every man. The person  you feel the worst for is the Good guy who tries to help them and they leave to die.

The two people you should be caring about you don't.  Emily and Leslie are almost 2D, they try to add some crap about a cheating boyfriend with Emily but it is not really worth anything and in the end you just don't care, The Trucker never does anything that bad, mostly just fucking around and towards the end does some things like killing the cop but overall you get to feeling of why or true terror, mostly just annoying and childish. 

Now the important things in Horror: Blood, Deaths, and Boobs:  There are mostly implied deaths, which is supposed to build the tension but since your not sure if anyone is dead until the end scene it doesn't really pay off, like the guys the girls confront in the diner, why was he killed and when? What happened to all the bodies? No one misses these people? So with most deaths happening off screen the blood is minimal and as for boobs... Leslie flashes the hitchhiker from the start of film but otherwise nothing.     

Monday, July 18, 2016

Messiah of Evil (1973)

SPOILERS!

The tagline is WAY wrong


Quick Overview:
 AKA: DEAD PEOPLE

Directors: Willard Huyck, Gloria Katz(Uncredited)
Writers:  Willard Huyck, Gloria Katz
 Cast:
Marianna Hill as Arletta
Michael Greer as Thom
 Royal Dano as Joseph Long
Elisha Cook Jr as Charlie

Plot: A young woman goes searching for her missing artist father. Her journey takes her to a strange Californian seaside town governed by a mysterious undead cult.

I see your future and I am afraid.


Let me start by saying many will enjoy this movie, it has it's upsides to be fair but I just couldn't get into this movie, the pacing and acting is not great and while the backgrounds and feel is creepy and keeps you off kilter and never quite sure what is going on and how to feel it doesn't balance in my opinion with the slow pacing and the kind of lame killings and how things play out.

Funding even ran out and someone bought the unedited film and finished the film but never spent a lot, it opens with some guy running and out of breath suggesting that he had been running hard or a long time and he catches a break when a young girl opens a gate and lets him in. He washes off in the pool and turns to her for help when she slits his throat!

We cut to a hospital or mental asylum where a woman is telling us about a town, with a blood red moon that will mess with you, they way they messed with her, they want to make you scream! But that no one is going to hear you or save you.

AHHHH...It is a hallway...



This lady narrates the story about how she heads to this town to find her now missing father and her first stop on her trip that we see is at a gas station, that we assume is right outside town, where the attendant is shooting at things in the dark. She tells him she is heading to Point Dune and he has very strong opinions about that town, how it is piss poor and boring.

A second customer pulls up and the attendant sees to him, seeing two bodies in the bed of his truck but saying nothing and really seems barely fazed by this, she heads off towards town and later the attendant is killed by someone or something for reasons I am never sure of.  We gets lots of shots of the waves and we met some of the strange people that will play different roles and parts as the main lady looks for her dad.

There are no brains in this movie, so meat works fine
Main Lady goes to the apartment or house that the father was staying at, it has cardboard cutouts of people, stuffed dogs, and chains among other weird things. Really, all signs you should fucking turn around and leave.  She finds her fathers journal and between that and some asking around she finds she should talk to some newcomers in town who loved her fathers art. She finds the newcomers, a guy and two girls, in a hotel room listening to the town drunk ramble on about blood moons and other nonsense. The drunk says her father must die, and others won't talk about him at all. Not long after the drunk spills all these "secrets" he is found dead and things "kick up a notch".

 
Right before she dies...


The newcomers come to stay with the daughter but there is in fighting, one of the girls in the group leaves and is killed at a supermarket, where the whole supermarket turns into killers or zombies or something...not really sure. Later this happens at a movie where the other girl is killed townfolk suddenly turning into killers, so it becomes something about the town having a secret that still affects it to this day, somehow the girl's father is a part of it, or the key to it or something.


So the town comes to life, or death? Not sure. The cops, 2 of them, at first fire into the crowd of killer dead but soon one just suddenly starts bleeding from his eye, though no one is near him? The weird guy is one of the only standing against the rising evil and so he teams up the daughter. We get some backstory about a dark stranger and he is connected to the father and the Donner party or something...I don't know, it is all kind of stupid and pointless. The Dark Stranger would return to a dissillusted world and they would rejoice and eat people or something. Somehow the woman gets out and she is the one from the asylum at the start, she has a CODA but by this time who really cares. Just avoid this slow mess of a movie.

I am the hero of this movie, sort of


My Thoughts: While I know that some people will and do consider it classic suspense movie it admits to having issues, it was dropped, picked back up by a whole other studio and country and moves slow with some major plot holes, the killing at the start doesn't fit, the girl who does it is never seen again as far as I can tell or remember.

The story and its "secret" are dumb and I say that loving movies like The Wicker Man and town or houses with secrets but not this pretenious junk. The cops not being turned but then suddenly hurt and turning later makes no sense, nor does why they allow the girl to live even if she is locked up forever but not killed or drawn into the family business. While some of the weirdness gives it a unique flavor it is just not enough to keep you focused on this yawner of a film.  

You just want it to be over but it keeps dragging on and on. There are way better psycholocal thrillers and horror films from this time that are way better and deal with some of the same themes in a clever way that this one tries to pull up but fails in an awful way. The slow boring pace even makes it hard to joke, as something HAS TO FUCKING HAPPEN for you to joke about it.      

 

Monday, May 23, 2016

KUNG FURY (2015)



Let me open by saying while this "movie" is only a half hour, it is one of the most bat shit crazy, weird, amazing, awesome things I have witnessed. You SHOULD NOT pass this up and it is on Netflix so it is easy to find, that is where we watched it as @Literarygrrrl and I checked it out. It was GLORIOUS!

It was put together with a Kickstarter campaign and while it feel short of the money it needed for a full length movie it made way over the first goal and they went ahead and made this. I am going to do my best to tell you about it but really this is a movie you MUST watch, just do it.

It hated Nick's game show Arcade


We are in Miami in 1985 and a cop car pulls up next to some obvious thugs with guns out and asks if they have permits for the weapons, one of them drops his skateboard and when part of it is under the police car he kicks the other end and sends the car flying then they shoot it until it explodes as the thugs walk on past an arcade and one of them shoots a guy with a boombox and the boombox flies up and lands perfectly on the shooters shoulder.

Inside the Arcade, some kids are playing an arcade game called Lazer Tag or something similar when they lose, they get pissed when across the screen the words FUCK YOU appear and the whole machine comes to life with legs and arms and starts flipping off everyone before shooting them as it crashes outside. We have people screaming, running, the machine flipping everyone off, a flaming baby carriage for some reason when the machine slows down and the insert coin screen comes on, it grabs a parking meter and breaks it open to get a coin.



A call is made to Kung Fury who is at home and told about the killer arcade machine and jumps in his sports car and heads there climbing on the roof of the car as it hits a jump and shooting at the arcade machine when the car slams into it as the tracking and picture mess up, we catch glimpses of Kung Fury hanging from a helicopter shooting at Arcade and fighting it, destroying it with the line GAME OVER!

Everyone was Kung Fuhrer Fighting, Nazi's being bastards as always.


We get his history, that he was a cop and he and his partner who was like a father to him and was named Dragon had caught a ninja master but the ninja got free and killed the partner and then Kung Fury was struck by lighting and bitten by a cobra all at the same time and had visions of Sholin Monks and a legend of the greatest Kung Fu of all time and when he awoke he was that legend and beat the ninja master by grabbing him and saying a knock knock joke of epicness.

Transferred from Jurassic Park Police


Back at the station he is yelled at and told he must have a partner and is given Triceracops, a cop with a human body and the head of a triceratops, but quits rather then taken a partner, we cut to a man on a 1980's cell phone that is taken from him by...HITLER..who calls the police and fires his gun through the phone. Kung Fury is still in the building so he stops the killer phone and says they need to trace that call but only HACKERMAN can do that.

Lucas? Is that you?


Using 1985 computers he finds out that it was Hitler that made the call and we learn that Hitler in this world was a master of Kung Fu, the Kung Fuhrer and tries to find the secret of the future Kung Fury master using Kung Fun DNA and machines that are programmed to fight but nothing works and Hitler vanished to only appear in 1985, so Hackerman HACKS TIME and sends Kung Fury back but too far. They end up in the era of vikings I think...


A huge giant version of Thor shows up and...well I won't ruin the ending but even if you read all of this, YOU HAVE TO WATCH this to really enjoy this movie. You must see this film, trust me. It doesn't take long and it is so insane you can't help but love it.

This is what a REAL MAN'S Thor looks like


My Thoughts: This movie was just pure fun, while it may not be everyone's cup of tea, if you have a sense of humor and/or love campy stuff this is perfect. 
 

So many fun 80's tropes and just over the top stuff happening every moment but you still get a feel for some of the people in it, even with no real time to focus on anyone. Being just a half hour means you can watch it in less time then an episode of most of the shows you are currently binge watching on Netflix. Give it a watch I promise you will find some reason to love it, hell try it with a group of friends and drinks, something we didn't do but should.  I don't yet have a rating system but if I did I would give it the top, be that 5 or 10 of something...